Quirky one-liners

Kirk's picture
  • Love is grand! Divorce is a hundred grand.
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  • Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
  • Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  • An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
  • There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.
  • In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  • I am a nutritional overachiever.
  • I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
  • Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
  • A day without sunshine is like night.
  • It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
  • Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
  • Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
  • I smile because I am your friend! I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.
  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
  • Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  • People who mix their metaphors should be hung, drawn and quoted.
  • Consciousness -- those annoying moments in between naps.
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.